Random Thoughts From Childhood Series-School of Pain

July 1, 2009

Mat's Memories From Childhood

SCHOOL OF PAIN

Time was not healing my pain or loneliness. I felt like I was stuck in a whirl pool being pulled down with no way of getting out and could not figure out how to communicate to anyone on how I was feeling.

School became my nemesis! I had great difficulty relating to the other kids at school and struggled with class time and assignments. As the school year progressed, the pressure in me kept building and I became a volcano waiting to erupt. I caught the school bus on a cold winter morning, grabbed my seat like I had done a hundred times before. I stare blankly out the bus window as the bus arrived at school. I walked to class and take my seat. As the class begins, the teacher takes out a stack of cards that have pictures on them and we are to tell her what is on the picture. My head is racing and I’m praying that I will get a card that I can pronounce correctly without looking really dumb and embarrassing myself. Each student pronounces his or her word. Sail boat, Airplane, Car, Building….. Then it’s my turn and my chest feels very tight. The teacher pulls a card and asks me to tell her what I see on the card. I freeze, I’m completely griped with fear and my chest becomes even tighter. Out of all the possible cards, I get one of the words that I cannot pronounce. The picture is of a TRUCK. I can’t pronounce the TR and always replace it with an F. The teacher calls me to the front of the class and asks again for me to tell the class what I see. I state that “I cannot because it’s a bad word.” The teacher pushes me further until I blurt out *UCK! The class first gasps then laughs at me. The teacher has fire in her eyes and sends me to the principal’s office.

The principal calls Ivy House and talks to an adult. The conversation lasts about five minutes. The principal hangs up the phone and asks me to come into his office. I take a seat in front of his desk and I’m asked to explain myself. Like I’ve done countless times before, I shrug my shoulders while looking at the ground. I’m told that I will not be riding the bus home, but instead was being picked up by someone from Ivy House. I’m picked up and sit in silence as we drive back to Ivy House. Once again, I’m lectured on my behavior, but the sound I hear is simply like listening to the Charlie Brown phone. I go to bed that evening vowing to never go to school again.

That night I’m very restless and keep going over the events in school in my head. Then my mind drifts off to my mom. What if I did not try to help her at the top of the stairs! Would all of this be happening? Is she alive? Is she looking for us? Will my brother and I ever get to go home? My mind drifts back to dealing with school. I’m simply a drop of blood in a sea of sharks at school and I’m determined to put an end to this problem. I think of solutions to my problem and just keep coming back to my only way out. That’s it; I’m going to RUN and get as far away as possible from this pain and suffering! I just know this will fix everything, it has too! I rest in my cleverness and fall off to sleep…….