Random Thoughts From Childhood Series-The Psychologist

August 22, 2009

Mat's Memories From Childhood

THE PSYCHOLOGIST

I woke the next morning nervous, but curious about the person I was to meet today. Even though there were no witnesses to my act of violence, I was still ashamed of my behavior at the park yesterday and feared eating breakfast with the rest of the kids. I believed I would rightfully be judged for my dreadful outburst at the park. I sucked it up and headed down to eat. No one said or acted like anything had happened and my trepidation subsided. I headed outside to play with the other kids. After several hours of playing, I went back to my cottage and ate lunch. I cleaned up my mess from lunch and headed back outside. I had been playing briefly when a house parent came out and asked me to head to the office. “Oh boy” I thought and headed down to where I was told to go. I enter the front door and I’m escorted down the hall and into a room. Sitting inside was a man with a beard that I had not seen before. The door closed behind me and I was asked to take a seat. By now, I’ve become pretty accustomed to my situation and surroundings that I find myself in and of course thinking the worst. I think to myself, “I have no excuse for my behavior at the park and have no idea what I will say.” My heart pounds with anticipation of the questions that may be asked…….

The man leans forward and asks “Your name is Mat, Right?”

Me: Yes

Man: “How are you doing?”

Me: I mumble “Fine.”

Man: “How do you feel about living here at Ivy House?”

Me: Um (I do not understand the question)

Man: “You know how do you feel about your living arrangements?”

Me: What? I don’t know ( what’s living arrangements?)

The man stares at me and reaches for a file. He fumbles with the file and opens it and then starts turning pages in the file. He takes a deep breath and states he is here to help. He tells me that I’m not in trouble and that he is going to ask me questions. He tells me to answer them as best I could and that there is no wrong or right answer. All I heard at this point was that I was not in trouble, so I relax. This really loosens me up as I slump in my chair and prepare myself for any additional questions.

Man: Tell me about school?

Me: I don’t like it.

Man: Why is that?

Me: I don’t know.

Man: Give me an example of what you don’t like?

Me: I don’t respond. (What’s an example?)

Man: What kind of things makes you angry?

Me: I don’t know. (Things?)

This goes on for about an hour. My head is spinning! I sense he is trying to help, but his line of questions eludes me. I’m finally told my time was up and I could leave. I exit the room and think “What was that about?” I desperately try to process what just happened, but cannot. I open the front door of the office and head outside. I see kids playing and run to join in on the fun….

I do not think in the early 1970’s there was many child psychologists, so I believe I was seeing an adult psychologist based on the fact that he asked adult questions.

Random Thoughts From Childhood Series-A Day at the Park

August 16, 2009

Mat's Memories From Childhood

DAY AT THE PARK

I was going into my second summer at Ivy House and my emotional outbursts had diminished quite a bit. However, like a dormant virus it could strike at anytime with no warning. Though I looked adjusted and played with the other kids and would laugh and have fun, I was still a fully operational explosive device waiting to go off. I had no control over the when and where I would explode, let alone know what the catalyst would be to set me off.

It was late summer 1973 and I was preparing to enter the second grade. A group of us younger kids were taken to a local park to spend the day. I removed my shoes and left them at the van and ran off with the other boys to head down to a creek and look for crawfish. We spent sometime over turning rocks and having no luck in finding any crawfish, we headed further down the creek to find a better location. Along the way I found an empty coffee can and decided to grab it, as it would be the perfect holder for my catch. The other kids and I started to lift rocks to expose any crawfish and after a few minutes we hit the jackpot! Every rock we lifted thereafter had crawfish under them and I started filling my can. I think I had ten or fifteen crawfish when I heard the adult that brought us, yell “It’s time to go.” The other boys headed back to the van, but I stayed back and continued to look for crawfish. Sometime had gone by before I remembered I had to head back to the van. I started to panic because I could not see nor hear the group I came with to the park. In a complete panic, I tried to jump across the creek and came up short, resulting in me landing on rocks that cut into the bottom of my right foot. I glanced down at my foot and saw a long cut that resembled a paper cut, but slightly deeper. I got up and pushed forward climbing out of the creek bed and as I enter the top, I ran into a girl from Ivy House. I recognized her face, but did not know her name. She saw the can of crawfish and screamed! Her automatic response was to swat at the can causing me to drop and loose my catch. I picked up the can and stared at the girl for a few seconds, though it seemed longer, and in a fit of rage, I swung at her forgetting the can was in my hand. The can struck her in the forehead. She dropped to the ground with her hands covering her forehead crying. I started screaming at her and running and jumping up and down around her like a maniac and even kicked dirt on her.

As this was going on, I had this sensation like I was outside my body watching the event unfold. I knew what I was doing was wrong and felt like there was two of me, one bad and one good. I wanted to stop, I really did, but the good me could not control what was before it! I felt completely out of control…. I so regretted hurting this girl, I really did!!! This episode had a major impact on me and forced me to try and deal with my behavior issues. So much so, that this would be the only time I ever attacked anyone while in Ivy House…

I suddenly snapped out of my rage. I took stock of the moment and quickly threw my can back into the creek. The wrong of this whole event hit me like a Mack truck! I panicked and dropped to all fours and began to crawl my way to the top of the bank dragging my right foot as I ascended. For good measure, I began to cry. This made it look as though I was really injured and hurting. This helped hide my shame of how I just reacted and treated this girl.

I don’t really remember what became of the girl, but I was taken back to Ivy House and had my foot cleaned and was told that I had explaining to do. I was taken to the office and placed into a room. An adult came in and said I would be meeting with a special person tomorrow and told to go back to my cottage. I headed back to the cottage looking down at the ground in shame and wondered who this special person was that I was to meet….

Foster Care Statistics Poll Commissioned by CASA

August 13, 2009

Interesting results from recent poll on foster care. Thanks to Lin at childrenwithoutavoiceusa.org for sending our way!

A national online Harris Poll commissioned by the National Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) Association found that most adults know little about foster care or the experience of children in care. The poll was conducted in December 2008 and gathered data from 2,281 adults about their impressions of the foster care system and its impact on children. Results were weighted to reflect the whole U.S. population. Key findings indicate the following:
83% of adults knew very little about the experience of children in care.
31% knew someone who was or had been in foster care.
45% reported negative impressions of foster care, and 11 percent reported positive impressions (the remainder were neutral or did not have enough information to decide).
11% thought that children were in foster care because of something the children did, although the majority strongly disagreed and tended to blame the biological parents.
87% agreed that improving the foster care system should be a national priority.
In a press release about the poll’s findings, the National CASA Association contrasted the poll results with a focus group study conducted earlier in the year with 50 youth currently or formerly in foster care. These youth present a different picture, with many of the youth developing into determined individuals, optimistic about their future. They felt that the difficulties they had faced had made them stronger. Many cited disruptions in schooling and problems finding resources after leaving foster care as major obstacles; however, they noted that the support of a significant adult—like a CASA volunteer—can help them overcome some of these challenges. For more information, visit www.casanet.org.

Random Thoughts From Childhood Series-On The Other Side of the Door-Rage

August 11, 2009

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR – RAGE

I was standing on the other side of a foster care home’s front door, waiting for it to open (but not wanting it too)…..I was feeling like a wounded animal and thinking that this must be what the animal feels when they get caught up in one of those trap devices. Every hair on my body is standing straight up and my impulse is to start running. Then the door opens and standing in front of me are two complete strangers who are looking at me with smiling faces and generous eyes. The social worker begins introductions. Here is what this well intentioned and unsuspecting couple saw looking back at them:

Memories from Jenny's childhood

Yes that’s me and look at that innocent and gentle looking little girl face of mine. The social worker introduces me using my birth name, “this is Jenny.” To be honest, as I think back on that moment, it really was not a proper introduction. The correct and honest introduction would sound more like something along the lines of; “hello, my name is RAGE!” The lovely little girl staring back at you represents the little ray of sunshine I was before being subjected to all the turmoil irresponsible adults put me through.

In most cases, a child is placed in the system due to some form of neglect or abuse and sometimes both. From the point of view of the child, the foster care experience can feel like the straw that broke the camels back.

In order to understand what these children are feeling, try and put yourself into our shoes. Imagine for a second that you have experienced everything I mention below.

By the time I ended up at my first Foster Care home, so much had been taken from me. I no longer had a sense of self, family, belonging, comfort, familiarity, unconditional love, trust, confidence (let’s face it, this comes from stability), and hope!

If I use my adult voice I can explain that I was angry, hurt, devastated, abandoned, emotionally disconnected, confused, verbally abused, ridiculed by society and my peers, and completely petrified! I am almost 4 years old.

As a child I vividly remember having episodes of strong and uncontrollable rage. I was not able to understand or articulate the tornado like emotions whirling around inside me like a 65 mph wind storm. These episodes came without warning, calm one minute, and then the rage would surface. I was like a walking volcano, disguised as a cute package with pretty wrapping, ready to erupt without warning.
Once at school during recess, an older girl came up to me and grabbed my lunch money from my back pocket. She started dancing about as her friends joined in, forming a circle around me. I was focused on watching my lunch money which was clutched in her hands (now waving high in the air for all to see). A crowd of boys gathered around to egg her on, chanting “fight…fight…..fight.” This was not the first time this had happened at recess, it was a common occurrence. The children that I went to school with had an uncanny knack of picking out the foster care kids. Once identified as a foster care kid, the teasing and bullying was relentless, my lunch money and or lunch was taken from me on a regular basis. I was pretty used to skipping lunch and pretending like I didn’t care, but not on this day. The volcano of pent up and misunderstood emotions over flowed in the school yard that day and I unleashed my rage on this lunch money thief! I not only gave her something to remember me by (a punch, a kick, a hair pull…repeat), I made sure to go after her friends too! I got up off the ground and focused my attention on her friends, eyes looking through them like a thunder bolt! Her friends quickly scattered like a group of insects when the light turns on. The boys took off as soon as I looked in their direction!

As adults, if someone or some event makes us angry, we can easily pick up the phone and vent about it to anyone who will listen. We have a network of people to talk to, allowing us to get it off our chest. As a child, we simply do not have this ability to articulate verbally what is upsetting us or what we are feeling. I think this may well be the reason for temper tantrums. We can certainly identify what we don’t like at any age, however having the ability to translate exactly what the feeling is and what bothers us about it….well, this all belongs to the “big” you not the “little” you.

August Face of a Foster Care Graduate Feature-Ashley Rhodes-Courter

August 2, 2009

Our August Face of a Foster Care Graduate comes to us from the state of Florida. I’m proud to introduce a remarkable young lady named Ashley Rhodes-Courter. Ashley spent her early childhood in foster care, being moved from home to home, a total of 14 placements! At the tender age of 12, a wonderful couple gave Ashley what she (every child deserves) deserved and desperately needed; a loving mother and father and a place to call home. I would like to extend my appreciation and gratitude to Gay and Phil Courter for being a shining light for Ashley. As amazing as she is, you are the blessing that came along and helped her shine! It is remarkable what love can do! Meet Ashley…..

Name: Ashley Rhodes-Courter

State: Florida

Occupation: Speaker and Author

Advisory Boards: Recently appointed as an adviser to Children Without a Voice USA - http://www.childrenwithoutavoiceusa.org

Website: http://www.rhodes-courter.com

Ashley’s NY Times Best Selling book: Three Little Words: A Memoir

Favorite source of inspiration: Sharing here story with other foster children and promoting adoption.

A Truly Remarkable Leader

Ashley Rhodes-Courter was born in North Carolina in 1985 and entered the Florida foster care system at the tender age of three. Over the next nine years, she lived in 14 placements before being adopted at age 12 by Phil and Gay Courter of Crystal River, Florida.

Ashley just graduated with honors from Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, Florida. She was the recipient of Eckerd’s Trustee’s Scholarship, their most prestigious full-tuition award. She has won several other national and local scholarships. She completed a double major in communications and drama with a double minor in political science and psychology.

At college, Ashley spent time in South Africa working with a children’s literacy project. In the local community she works with several organizations including the Heart Gallery of Pasco & Pinellas, also frequently doing on-camera work.

Ashley was the 2004 Youth Advocate of the Year for the North American Council on Adoptable Children and won the Child Welfare League of America “Kids to Kids” National Service Grand Prize. In 2004, she and her family jointly won the Angels in Adoption Award from the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and was nominated by Congresswoman, Ginny Brown-Waite.

On June 1, 2003, the New York Times Magazine published her grand prize winning essay, “Three Little Words” about her adoption day. She expanded her essay into a memoir (also called “Three Little Words”) which has just been published by Simon & Schuster.

In 2007 she was one of 20 college students selected for the USA Today All-USA Academic Team. She also was one of the four GOLDEN BR!CK Award winners for outstanding advocacy by Do Something, and was named one of GLAMOUR Magazine’s Top Ten College Women.

Ashley has been featured on Montel Williams, Good Morning America, $.99 Cool Ranch Doritos bags, and other national and local television shows. She is currently maintaining a full calendar of speeches and workshops all across the country. She has a passion to tell her story and share hope with other foster children and encourage adoption and permanency.

Special Message from Ashley

For the more than half a million children in foster care, and the 118,000 children waiting to be adopted. May they find as much love, happiness, and success as I have. I also want to thank the GOOD foster and adoptive parents for opening their hearts and homes to children. And without dedicated CASA’s, Guardian ad Litem, and other child welfare workers, so many more of us would fall through the cracks.