Random Thoughs from Childhood Series – Hospital Stay

November 24, 2009

Mat's Memories From Childhood

The police cruiser arrives at the Philadelphia Eye Institute and I’m whisked inside where a nurse places me into a wheelchair. I see the officer talking to a lady as he turns and smiles at me, then turns and leaves the building. That is the last time I saw the officer who helped me. I’m wheeled back to a room where I get placed into a special chair with funny looking equipment attached to it. The doctor slides the equipment over to my face and asks me to stay still while he looks into my good eye first and then the damaged eye. He looks into the damaged eye in silence and only shakes his head side to side. He pushes his chair back and tells me to relax. He grabs some eye drops and places several into both eyes and then places patches on both eyes. He tells me that the nurse will be in to take me to my room. I sit in darkness and run through the events in my head that landed me here in the hospital. I become scared for the first time as the sinking feeling of isolation sets in and wonder whether anyone knows that I’m at this hospital. The nurse comes and assures me that everything will be okay and proceeds to wheel me to my room. I want to cry but, fear the tears will sting. I get placed into a bed and I’m told that they need to set an IV line and that I will feel a little prick. The nurse says she is finished and again tells me that it will be okay. She tells me that the medicine they are giving me will help me sleep. I feel warmth crawling up my arm and become scared and then suddenly everything goes blank.

I’m gently woken up, what I think is the next day, and told someone is in the room to see me. I then hear my mom’s sobbing voice asking me how I feel. She then tells me that this is her third day of coming to see me, but I’ve been asleep. I feel really groggy and slip in and out of consciousness. I’m awoken again by a nurse and told to try and eat my breakfast and that afterwards she would give me a sponge bath. I barely eat and wait for the nurse to return. I try to open my eyes but, see only darkness. I reach up with my hands to feel my face and realize that the patches are still on both eyes. I’ve lost all sense of time and place. My head is so cloudy at this point and I can barely finish a thought before it drifts out of my reach. I hate how I feel! The nurse returns and begins to bath me. The warm water feels so good, as the sponge runs over my body. I’m told that the IV will be removed later on today, and I drift back to sleep.

The nurse gently awakes me and I open my eyes and see what I think is an angel standing at the foot of my bed. She tells me to eat my breakfast and then I would be getting another sponge bath. I place my hands on my face and feel that I still have a patch on my right eye but, the patch was removed from my left eye. I don’t feel as groggy this time and start to look around the room to see my surroundings. The room is small with two chairs against a wall and a nightstand next to my bed with a phone. I pull my breakfast toward me and attempt to eat. The nurse returns and tells me that I really need to eat more to get better and asks me if I’m ready to get my sponge bath. I nod my head yes and she proceeds to bath me. She finishes and tells that she now has to give me an enema. What is an enema? I soon find out! The nurse has officially lost her angel status.

A week had passed before the other patch got removed from my right eye. I see a doctor everyday but, sense there is nothing that can be done and feel that I’ve become a case study. I had to sit through as ten plus doctors took turns looking at my eye and talking to one another about seeing crystals in the back of my eye and how the pupil was irregular. Not a single doctor talked to me. I especially hated having the pressure of my eye taken. The machine had to be touching the eye and had a purple light I had to stare directly into without blinking and then a puff air was shot into the eye. It quickly became apparent that seeing a doctor was painful and very uncomfortable. How I longed to leave this place!

I was sent back to my room and told to try and use the bathroom on my own. I walked into the bathroom and got my first look at my face since the accident. It was black and blue around my right eye with the whites of my eye red with blood. The pupil was torn and my vision had not improved since that last time I had looked out that eye prior to arriving at the hospital. I attempt to use the bathroom and then return to my bed. I was given pills to take that made me very drowsy. I awake later in the day to find my mom sitting in the chair. She see’s that I had opened my eyes and stands to approach me. She asks how I feel and tells me that all I do is sleep. She says that she asked the nurses not to drug me so much but, was not sure they listened. A nurse walks in and tells me that I have a special person on the phone that wants to talk to me. My mom turns to the nurse and before she can say anything is asked to leave the room to give me privacy. The nurse says “go ahead and pick up the phone” and then walks out. I pick up the phone and the voice on the other side is my dad. I can’t believe I’m talking to my dad! I’m asked how I feel and how he wished he could be here with me. We talked for a short while and he told me he had to go because he was calling from overseas but, would call me again in a couple of days. I said bye and hung up the phone. It was so good to hear my dad’s voice! It had been almost two years. My mom returned to the room and asked me who was on the phone? I simply said dad. Nothing else was said. She came over and kissed my forehead and said she had to leave and would try to come and see me tomorrow. I got to talk to my dad several more times, my mom came to see me almost every day, and even Ivy House kids came to see me over the next two weeks. Three weeks had passed and I finally was getting released to return to Ivy House. I was so excited to be leaving the hospital that I rushed through my goodbyes with the nursing staff and asked to be taken home…………….

Random Thoughts From Childhood Series-A Childhood Revelation…NO FEAR!

November 15, 2009

Sometimes, to overcome fear you need to run straight into the middle of it…….

Memories from Jenny's childhood

After foster care I struggled to engage with my biological mother and I didn’t feel connected to her. The truth is that I felt responsible for her. It seemed to me that it was my job to fix her life, solve her problems and make her happy. For whatever reason, I became somewhat of the parent and she naturally filled the role of the child. I watched her move from one bad relationship to another, and her children became collateral damage. She used pity like a weapon of manipulation to get her way. It never seemed to occur to her that life was about more than her, she lacked the ability to see outside of herself, was very self absorbed and her children paid the price for that selfishness.

I’m not really sure when I gained intimate knowledge of the feelings and words; “pity” and “victim.” It was almost like an instinct within me that I didn’t want to be a victim or grow up and have “a victim mentality.” I may not have known much at age 12 but I was already familiar with what it felt like to be pitied and I linked it to be a feeling of shame. Some people thrive on this type of attention, or any attention for that matter and my mother is one of those people. Positive or negative didn’t matter, just the attention. As a child, I felt a deep sense of dread over this and knew that I never wanted to have people pity me or feel a sense of sorrow for me.

This early childhood revelation lead me to a very intensive and intimidating training program called est. It was around 1979 or 1980 and I was about 12 years old when I heard about what I thought sounded like a direct message from heaven. Someone told me of a program that would teach me to overcome adversity, how to be able to get past my fears and demons, and to let the past be something that moved me forward, instead of holding me back!

It was a program called EST. If you look it up in the the wikipedia dictionary, this is what you will find: “Erhard Seminars Training, an organization founded by Werner H. Erhard, offered a two-weekend (60-hour) course known officially as ‘The est Standard Training.’ The purpose of est was to allow participants to achieve, in a very brief time, a sense of personal transformation and enhanced power. The est course was offered from late 1971 to late 1984.”

The est training presented several concepts, but the most memorable one for me was that of taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, that integrity had value and you and you alone are responsible for that integrity…YOU! It’s hard to blame your disappointments in life on anyone or anything else but yourself when you are faced with this concept!

There is a tribute website for graduates of this training if you are interested in learning more. Check it out at http://www.erhardseminarstraining.com. Another website rich with information about est and it’s creator is http://www.wernererhard.com

For two consecutive weekends I was confined for 12 to 16 hour days in a Center City Philadelphia hotel ballroom. Each weekend, I rode the train into the city with nothing but a change of clothes and my impeding fear! I remember that first trip into the city, I was petrified. I had no idea which stop to get off the train, where I would sleep that night or if I would be able to do this.

Let me take you back with me…….

The first night of the seminar, the instructors ask for a show of hands for those who did not have a place to stay. I am looking around the room, I am frightened to let people know that I have no place to stay, that I am here by myself and no one is looking out for me, I am alone. These thoughts echo in my head, I’m not sure what to do. As I study the crowd, I realize I am the only child in this room, and wonder what is wrong with me that I wanted to do this. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by the realization of how different I am. The voice inside my head is yelling, “what is wrong with you, why are you the only child?” I hesitantly raise my hand. I am trembling, I cannot get a grip on my fear, my jaw is chattering and my eyes are focussed on the floor, legs are shaking nervously. I start questioning myself as to why I wanted to do this, what was I thinking, I fight back the tears and panic as my eyes well up. I am thinking that I should run and then the voice from deep inside, the inner voice yells to calm down, yells at me not to run. Tells me that I need to do this if I’m to have any hope of having a future that doesn’t include a stamp of “victim” on my forehead. There is a woman sitting next to me. She places her hand around my shoulder and lets her arm rest there. The announcers then ask for a show of hands from those who could offer a place to stay. This kind woman raises her hand and tells me that I can stay with her. She had a glowing heart and I instantly felt she was trustworthy and protective like a mother.

That night, I was shown into her daughters room, the one I would end up sleeping in. I still vividly recall laying there, in bed and staring at all the pictures and posters on the wall. The bed was pushed up against one of the covered walls so it was like getting a close up of her daughter’s life. Ever look at photo’s of happy smiling faces and wished you were as happy as the people you saw in those photos?

Soon, I am startled out of my deep thoughts as (let’s call her) phyllis passes by the doorway to check on me before turning in for the night. She asks if I need anything before bed. I was starring at her, thinking about how wonderful and loving she was. I had only known her for a day at this point but I loved her immediately. My heart sank for her as she told me the story of how her 13 year old daughter had run away and she did not have any way of finding her. As I watched her eyes in the night light hue tear up, they seemed hollow. My lovely Phyllis was distraught over this loss and empty because everything that mattered to her was gone. I felt a deep sense of anger for her, I felt an anger towards her daughter who had not seen and appreciated this amazing gift of a parent who loved her! I was resentful that an ungrateful child would be given this gift of unconditional love and throw it away. Maybe, had I had this luxury, I would not have felt so angry.

Later, during the next day of the seminar we held hands, shared our pain and cried together. This portion of the seminar was very scary to me. The large group of participants was split up and instructed to form group circles with our chairs. We were told to hold hands, keep our eyes closed and face our fears. The instructors said that anything, and whoever or whatever we blamed for our pain should be confronted, acknowledged and sent to some other place. The instructors gave us permission to yell, cry, scream and jump up and down, whatever it took to let go of all the emotions that held us back from living the life we wanted. Grown men and women screamed, yelled, and cried, visualizing and attacking their demons and confessing their deepest sins. I was watching and listening, cleverly masking my defiant behavior of “watching” when we had been instructed to keep our eyes closed. The instructors circled the room like guards, searching for violators and I was scared yet I kept peeking, starring around in awe as all this pain was unleashed and expressed around me. The trainers had a saying; “ I got It” and they repeated this through out the seminar. Time after time they would confront a participant; ”you got it?”…….Someone in the audience would recount. ”I got it!”

Another group session that sticks out vividly to me is what I call, “the stare down!” The instructors announced that each row of seats would be called to come up onto the stage at the front of the ballroom. One by one, as each of us attendees stood there on stage an instructor would stand in front of us and stare us down! Each row at a time, participants would fall into format, forging a line to the stage. It was kind of like a break you down to build you back up type practice. They told us how they could see us when they looked at us. It was intimidating to say the least. In your face, one by one each teacher would stand in front of you, in your space and stare you deep in the eyes telling you that they SEE you. Most would break down into tears, a result of hidden fears and shames of past issues. I did no cry, had experience with the stare down process as a foster child. One instructor stared deep into my eyes, nose almost touching mine and yelled like a sergeant in the military that she could see me, knew who I was. I was thinking, “HAH, who are you kidding, you can’t see me, I have learned to cover myself up, you are out of your league!” I never cried! The foster child in me came out and that hard shell of protection and distance surrounded me and I said; “I don’t think so lady, move on, there will be no tears here!” I was one of only a few who did not break down on stage.

As I think back on that experience, I am still amazed that I did such a brave and unconventional thing during my preteen years. I have read several press articles since that time that heavily criticized this training for being to tough and confrontational.

Looking back at the child I was then, it is nothing short of a miracle. I was a child afraid of my own shadow and I did not speak much. I was so shy that a smile would make me turn beat red and run for cover. I avoided eye contact at all costs and did not express any kind of emotion. No tears, no laughter….blankness. I guess in the end the fear of becoming a person who lived life as a victim was far less scary to me than the fear of facing this intimidating training seminar.

I learned a valuable and life long lesson from this experience. Not all fear is bad, sometimes if you push yourself to go outside of your comfort zone you can change your life, build your confidence and be on your way towards achieving bigger and better things.

November Face of a Foster Care Graduate – Waln Brown

November 2, 2009

Our November feature comes to us from Florida. He has just published a new book ( he has hundreds of publications under his belt) that features stories from 11 different former foster care children. He is a great inspiration and a new friend. Please welcome Waln…….

Name: Waln Brown

State: Florida

Occupation: Foundation CEO and Author

Marital Status: Married

Website: www.williamgladdenfoundation.org

Blog: http://careofstrangers.blogspot.com

Favorite source of inspiration: Working towards changing Foster Care.

Book: Growing Up in the Care of Strangers: The Experiences, Insights and Recommendations of Eleven Former Foster Kids

WalnWhiteSweater Waln K. Brown was born in York, Pennsylvania, October, 1944, a “surprise” child of ill-matched parents who did the “right thing” and got married. For the next 11 years, they fought constantly, creating an unhealthy environment that adversely affected Waln emotionally and behaviorally. Rejected by his father for “ruining his life,” and confused by his mother’s obsessive-compulsive disorder of washing him in her “crazy clean” solution of Lysol and ammonia, Waln began a pattern of acting out that led to placement in an orphanage, juvenile detention home, state psychiatric hospital and juvenile reform school. A terrible student who spent eighth grade in special education and failed the ninth grade, Waln earned an A.S. degree from York College of Pennsylvania, B.S. from the Pennsylvania State University (summa cum laude) and M.A. and Ph.D. degrees from the University of Pennsylvania. He held positions with the Pennsylvania Department of Education, the National Center for Juvenile Justice and the Orthogenic School at the University of Chicago. Waln is the CEO of the William Gladden Foundation, and the author of over 230 books, articles and popular publications about youth and family issues. To learn more about the William Gladden Foundation and Waln’s latest book, “Growing Up in the Care of Strangers: The Experiences, Insights and Recommendations of Eleven Former Foster Kids,” visit the website and blog listed above.