Random Thoughts From Childhood Series-A Childhood Revelation…NO FEAR!

November 15, 2009

Sometimes, to overcome fear you need to run straight into the middle of it…….

Memories from Jenny's childhood

After foster care I struggled to engage with my biological mother and I didn’t feel connected to her. The truth is that I felt responsible for her. It seemed to me that it was my job to fix her life, solve her problems and make her happy. For whatever reason, I became somewhat of the parent and she naturally filled the role of the child. I watched her move from one bad relationship to another, and her children became collateral damage. She used pity like a weapon of manipulation to get her way. It never seemed to occur to her that life was about more than her, she lacked the ability to see outside of herself, was very self absorbed and her children paid the price for that selfishness.

I’m not really sure when I gained intimate knowledge of the feelings and words; “pity” and “victim.” It was almost like an instinct within me that I didn’t want to be a victim or grow up and have “a victim mentality.” I may not have known much at age 12 but I was already familiar with what it felt like to be pitied and I linked it to be a feeling of shame. Some people thrive on this type of attention, or any attention for that matter and my mother is one of those people. Positive or negative didn’t matter, just the attention. As a child, I felt a deep sense of dread over this and knew that I never wanted to have people pity me or feel a sense of sorrow for me.

This early childhood revelation lead me to a very intensive and intimidating training program called est. It was around 1979 or 1980 and I was about 12 years old when I heard about what I thought sounded like a direct message from heaven. Someone told me of a program that would teach me to overcome adversity, how to be able to get past my fears and demons, and to let the past be something that moved me forward, instead of holding me back!

It was a program called EST. If you look it up in the the wikipedia dictionary, this is what you will find: “Erhard Seminars Training, an organization founded by Werner H. Erhard, offered a two-weekend (60-hour) course known officially as ‘The est Standard Training.’ The purpose of est was to allow participants to achieve, in a very brief time, a sense of personal transformation and enhanced power. The est course was offered from late 1971 to late 1984.”

The est training presented several concepts, but the most memorable one for me was that of taking responsibility for yourself and your actions, that integrity had value and you and you alone are responsible for that integrity…YOU! It’s hard to blame your disappointments in life on anyone or anything else but yourself when you are faced with this concept!

There is a tribute website for graduates of this training if you are interested in learning more. Check it out at http://www.erhardseminarstraining.com. Another website rich with information about est and it’s creator is http://www.wernererhard.com

For two consecutive weekends I was confined for 12 to 16 hour days in a Center City Philadelphia hotel ballroom. Each weekend, I rode the train into the city with nothing but a change of clothes and my impeding fear! I remember that first trip into the city, I was petrified. I had no idea which stop to get off the train, where I would sleep that night or if I would be able to do this.

Let me take you back with me…….

The first night of the seminar, the instructors ask for a show of hands for those who did not have a place to stay. I am looking around the room, I am frightened to let people know that I have no place to stay, that I am here by myself and no one is looking out for me, I am alone. These thoughts echo in my head, I’m not sure what to do. As I study the crowd, I realize I am the only child in this room, and wonder what is wrong with me that I wanted to do this. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by the realization of how different I am. The voice inside my head is yelling, “what is wrong with you, why are you the only child?” I hesitantly raise my hand. I am trembling, I cannot get a grip on my fear, my jaw is chattering and my eyes are focussed on the floor, legs are shaking nervously. I start questioning myself as to why I wanted to do this, what was I thinking, I fight back the tears and panic as my eyes well up. I am thinking that I should run and then the voice from deep inside, the inner voice yells to calm down, yells at me not to run. Tells me that I need to do this if I’m to have any hope of having a future that doesn’t include a stamp of “victim” on my forehead. There is a woman sitting next to me. She places her hand around my shoulder and lets her arm rest there. The announcers then ask for a show of hands from those who could offer a place to stay. This kind woman raises her hand and tells me that I can stay with her. She had a glowing heart and I instantly felt she was trustworthy and protective like a mother.

That night, I was shown into her daughters room, the one I would end up sleeping in. I still vividly recall laying there, in bed and staring at all the pictures and posters on the wall. The bed was pushed up against one of the covered walls so it was like getting a close up of her daughter’s life. Ever look at photo’s of happy smiling faces and wished you were as happy as the people you saw in those photos?

Soon, I am startled out of my deep thoughts as (let’s call her) phyllis passes by the doorway to check on me before turning in for the night. She asks if I need anything before bed. I was starring at her, thinking about how wonderful and loving she was. I had only known her for a day at this point but I loved her immediately. My heart sank for her as she told me the story of how her 13 year old daughter had run away and she did not have any way of finding her. As I watched her eyes in the night light hue tear up, they seemed hollow. My lovely Phyllis was distraught over this loss and empty because everything that mattered to her was gone. I felt a deep sense of anger for her, I felt an anger towards her daughter who had not seen and appreciated this amazing gift of a parent who loved her! I was resentful that an ungrateful child would be given this gift of unconditional love and throw it away. Maybe, had I had this luxury, I would not have felt so angry.

Later, during the next day of the seminar we held hands, shared our pain and cried together. This portion of the seminar was very scary to me. The large group of participants was split up and instructed to form group circles with our chairs. We were told to hold hands, keep our eyes closed and face our fears. The instructors said that anything, and whoever or whatever we blamed for our pain should be confronted, acknowledged and sent to some other place. The instructors gave us permission to yell, cry, scream and jump up and down, whatever it took to let go of all the emotions that held us back from living the life we wanted. Grown men and women screamed, yelled, and cried, visualizing and attacking their demons and confessing their deepest sins. I was watching and listening, cleverly masking my defiant behavior of “watching” when we had been instructed to keep our eyes closed. The instructors circled the room like guards, searching for violators and I was scared yet I kept peeking, starring around in awe as all this pain was unleashed and expressed around me. The trainers had a saying; “ I got It” and they repeated this through out the seminar. Time after time they would confront a participant; ”you got it?”…….Someone in the audience would recount. ”I got it!”

Another group session that sticks out vividly to me is what I call, “the stare down!” The instructors announced that each row of seats would be called to come up onto the stage at the front of the ballroom. One by one, as each of us attendees stood there on stage an instructor would stand in front of us and stare us down! Each row at a time, participants would fall into format, forging a line to the stage. It was kind of like a break you down to build you back up type practice. They told us how they could see us when they looked at us. It was intimidating to say the least. In your face, one by one each teacher would stand in front of you, in your space and stare you deep in the eyes telling you that they SEE you. Most would break down into tears, a result of hidden fears and shames of past issues. I did no cry, had experience with the stare down process as a foster child. One instructor stared deep into my eyes, nose almost touching mine and yelled like a sergeant in the military that she could see me, knew who I was. I was thinking, “HAH, who are you kidding, you can’t see me, I have learned to cover myself up, you are out of your league!” I never cried! The foster child in me came out and that hard shell of protection and distance surrounded me and I said; “I don’t think so lady, move on, there will be no tears here!” I was one of only a few who did not break down on stage.

As I think back on that experience, I am still amazed that I did such a brave and unconventional thing during my preteen years. I have read several press articles since that time that heavily criticized this training for being to tough and confrontational.

Looking back at the child I was then, it is nothing short of a miracle. I was a child afraid of my own shadow and I did not speak much. I was so shy that a smile would make me turn beat red and run for cover. I avoided eye contact at all costs and did not express any kind of emotion. No tears, no laughter….blankness. I guess in the end the fear of becoming a person who lived life as a victim was far less scary to me than the fear of facing this intimidating training seminar.

I learned a valuable and life long lesson from this experience. Not all fear is bad, sometimes if you push yourself to go outside of your comfort zone you can change your life, build your confidence and be on your way towards achieving bigger and better things.